PRE-MARITAL SEX – NOT A BIG DEAL? Pt. 2

 “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Cor 6:18-20 NIV)

Sex is a good thing because it was created by God, but as we discussed in the part one of this series, it is only ideal within the confines of marriage. God did create sex to be beautiful and enjoyable expression of love, but only between a man and a wife (Genesis 2:24; Proverbs. 5:18-19, 1 Corinthians 7:2&3).

In his book Money, Sex and Power, Richard Foster spelt out that sexual intercourse involves something far more than just the physical, more than even the emotions and psyche. It touches deep into the spirit of each person and produces a profound union that the bible calls it one flesh. To this effect, sexual intercourse is a life-uniting act. Genital sex outside marriage is wrong because unmarried people thereby engage in a life-uniting act without a life-uniting intent.  Intercourse signs and seals a life-union; and life union means marriage.

As a continuation to my first article on pre-marital sex, I would be addressing two other implications that come with pre-marital sex or sex outside the confines of marriage.

Implications on self worth:

Consider how premarital sex can affect people’s self worth in a statement put up by one high school girl:  

“I am sixteen and have already lost my virginity. I truly regret that my first time was with a guy that I didn’t care that much about. Since that first night he expects sex on every date. When I don’t feel like it, we end up in an argument. I don’t think this guy is in love with me, and I know deep down that I am not in love with him either. This makes me feel cheap. I realize now that this is a very big step in a girl’s life. After you have done it, things are never the same. It changes everything.”¹

Another young person said,  

“I slept with many, many people trying to find love, to find self-worth. And the more people I slept with, the less self-worth I had.”²

Engaging in pre-marital sex with a number of guys gives a young promising lady a new label – “easy catch”, “loose girl”, “sure bet” etc. Ironically, such labels are given by the same guys who take advantage of these young ladies. They are thus in such circumstances denied of the dignity that they are entitled to. Sadly, I have personally met beautiful young ladies who have boldly confessed to me that, “they were not worth any man”; simply because they felt overly used by different men. Unfortunately, this is the sad situation of many young girls.

Sometimes the loss of self-esteem after uncommitted sex can also  lead a person into further casual sex, leading to further loss of self-esteem in an oppressive cycle from which it may be hard to break free.

Emotional Implications:

Sexual intimacy has potentially powerful emotional consequences. These emotional side effects of premarital sex are also very damaging. Staying away from pre-marital sex renders one to be emotionally healthier. This has got to do with baggage or what I call emotional filth that come with past sexual expereinces. We can easily carry this filth into our marriage which may include  memories from the past, emotional scars and unwanted mental images which  can go to the extent of defiling our thoughts and making the  marriage bed less pure. Certainly, God can forgive the past, but that doesn’t mean we are free from the baggage that can linger in our minds.

It is also a well established fact, that one of the most common consequences of pre-marital sex is depression. Sex outside of marriage almost always ends with a broken heart. It is of a truth, that once one experiences a “broken heart”, his or her outlook on life and love changes. Many instead of love are filled with bitterness because of past sexual experiences.  The bible tells us to, “guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) When we fail to guard our hearts we open ourselves to be deeply wounded by those who are only interested in their own sexual pleasure.  

Unfortunately, many young women search for meaning only in relationships with guys, instead of with God. It is not uncommon for a girl to have sex in order to make a guy like her more or to encourage him to stay with her. She may compromise her standards because she is afraid of never being loved. Once he leaves her, though, an emotional divorce takes place. A person’s heart is not made to be that close to a person and then separated. 

It always pays to wait.

By: Rev. Benedict Eghan

References:

¹Thomas Lickona, “Sex, Love, and Character: It’s Our Decision” (address given to assembly of students at Seton Catholic High School, Binghamton, N.Y., January 8, 1999), 10.

²All About Cohabiting Before Marriage, “Myths About Cohabitation,”  http://www.leaderu.com/critical/cohabitation-myths.html.

³A. B. Moscicki, et al., “Differences in Biologic Maturation, Sexual Behavior, and Sexually Transmitted Disease Between Adolescents with and without Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasia,” Journal of Pediatrics 115:3 (September 1989), 487–493; M. L. Shew, et al.

Continue Reading - Pre-Marital Sex –Not A Big Deal? Pt. 3

PRE-MARITAL SEX – NOT A BIG DEAL?

Rev. Benedict Eghan

“Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, by the gazelles and wild deer, not to awaken love until the time is right.” Song of Solomon 2:7

"Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!“ But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave.” Proverbs 9:17&18

Premarital sex involves any kind of sexual contact prior to entering into a legal marriage relationship. When God brought Adam and Eve together in marriage, He established the “one flesh” relationship. Genesis 2:24 tells us that a man will leave his family, join to his wife, and become “one flesh” with her. "Have you not read," says Jesus, "that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?'" (Matthew 19:4-5; quoting from Genesis 1:27, 2:24). In this passage Scripture clearly states that sex is for marriage and marriage is for sex. That's because sex is not just a matter of casual recreation. It's not just a pleasurable way of expressing mutual love. It's a question of two people becoming one flesh.

Unfortunately sex as sacred as it is, in our time has become a commodity on the market – sold cheaply in magazines, newspaper, television shows, movies, and more predominantly on the internet (social media inclusive). It is the point of almost all the secular music and many adverts. This decadence is guided by the philosophy of this age – “if it feels good, do it; for it is your life”. This has contributed to the prevalence of what many have comfortably termed as casual sex.

Deeply reflecting on Genesis 2:24 does indicate that, there is no such thing as “casual” sex, because of the depth of intimacy involved in the sexual relationship. Let’s consider this analogy I picked from Got Questions Ministries on their site, www.gotquestions.org/premarital-sex.html:

“If we take a sticky note and attach it to a piece of paper, it will adhere. If we remove it, it will leave behind a small amount of residue; the longer it remains, the more residue is left. If we take that note and stick it to several places repeatedly, it will leave residue everywhere we stick it, and it will eventually lose its ability to adhere to anything. This is much like what happens to us when we engage in “casual” sex. Each time we leave a sexual relationship, we leave a part of ourselves behind. The longer the relationship has gone on, the more we leave behind, and the more we lose of ourselves. As we go from partner to partner, we continue to lose a tiny bit of ourselves each time, and eventually we may lose our ability to form a lasting sexual relationship at all. The sexual relationship is so strong and so intimate that we cannot enter into it casually, no matter how easy it might seem.”

Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and if left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime.

By: Rev. Benedict Eghan

The Christian Leader and the Family (II)

Ref: 1 Samuel 8:4-5

Rev. Benedict Eghan

I continue with my series on the Christian Leader and the family with reference to the book of 1 Samuel. 1Samuel Chapter Eight introduces us into a new era in the history of Israel – the period under kingship. One of the reasons that necessitated the quest for a king was the fact that, the people accused Samuel’s sons as not walking in the ways of their father. 

1 Sam. 8:4-5

Then all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah, and said to him, "Look, you are old, and your sons do not walk in your ways. Now make us a king to judge us like all the nations."

As an old man, Samuel appointed his sons to be judges over Israel in his place. But they turned out to be corrupt, much like Eli’s sons (2:12). We don’t know why Samuel’s sons went wrong, but we know that Eli was held responsible for his own sons’ corruption. Probably, in the case of Samuel, he had played his part very well.

However, the attitude of the children was not without effect on the land. It paved a way for the people of Israel to “rebel” against God as their true king. It must however be established that the Israelites’ quest for a king had other motivational factors which included fear – Chpt. 12:9-12.

“And when they forgot the Lord their God, He sold them into the hand of Sisera, commander of the army of Hazor, into the hand of the Philistines, and into the hand of the king of Moab; and they fought against them. Then they cried out to the Lord, and said, 'We have sinned, because we have forsaken the Lord and served the Baals and Ashtoreths; but now deliver us from the hand of our enemies, and we will serve You.' And the Lord sent Jerubbaal, Bedan, Jephthah, and Samuel, and delivered you out of the hand of your enemies on every side; and you dwelt in safety. And when you saw that Nahash king of the Ammonites came against you, you said to me, 'No, but a king shall reign over us,' when the Lord your God was your king”. 

By: Rev. Benedict Eghan

 

The Chrsitian Leader and the Family I

Ref: 1 Samuel 1:1-8

The book of 1Samuel opens with reference to a man by name Elkanah. Two things can be noted in the first chapter of the book regarding Elkanah and his family.

Rev. Benedict Eghan

1.    Elkanah had the spiritual health of the family at heart; and he indeed ensured that, he played his role very well in this regard. The tabernacle was located at Shiloh, the religious centre of the entire nation (Joshua 18:1). Three times in a year, all Israelites men were required to attend a religious festival held at the tabernacle (Deut. 16:16). This pilgrimage by Elkanah and his family was likely to be one of such festivals.  Elkanah ensured that he satisfied this requirement with his entire family.

Sometimes as Christian leaders, we may be tempted to ignore the role we are to play in the spiritual development of our family members. We assume they know it all. It is required that we consciously engage our families in the things of God such as morning devotions, bible studies and periodic “waiting” moments. The family that prays together stays together.

2.    Despite his efforts to build on the spirituality of the family, there existed a threat to the family’s happiness. The coming in of Peninnah was a great threat to the joy and love Ekanah shared with his wife Hannah. Jewish Rabbis state that Hannah was Elkanah’s first wife; and after they had been married for ten years without children, he took Peninnah as a second wife. The Mishnah ordains that when a couple has been married for ten years without bringing any children into the world, the husband is required to take a second (or additional) wife in order to fulfil the commandment to be fruitful and multiply. The Midrash also explains that Elkanah was compelled to marry Peninnah because of Hannah’s barrenness, which explains his preference for Hannah, his first wife.

Though Elkanah wanted children, he committed himself by bringing in Peninnah. The love, joy, peace, and harmony that had existed in the family was short-changed with the coming in of Peninnah. If only he had been a bit more patient, he would have forever saved the joy of the family.

Taking a clue from Elkanah’s case, it is important for us to avoid anything that could be a threat to the family’s joy and happiness. This is because; any such occurrence will have its effects on our ministry or our spiritual health.  These effects may include:

·         inconsistency in one’s decisions and proclamations as a result of an unstable mindset; and

·         inability to receive from the Lord – the peace and joy to go into the Lord’s presence may be missing out due to the troubles at hand.

In effect, in as much as we seek to work on the spirituality of the family, we must also ensure that our actions and inactions do not serve as vehicles for Satan’s oriented “pit-falls” in the family; for a destabilised family can lead to a destabilised ministry. 

By: Ps. Benedict Eghan