DEALING WITH BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS (PT. 2)

This is the continuation of the article on dealing with broken relationships in the area of premarital relationships. In the part 1 of this article we made mention of three important steps - being real about the pain associated with the break-up, looking up to God, the Healer of broken heartedness and taking Good Care of yourself. In this article we will continue with four other steps.

a.   Engage in things that will make you laugh

It is said that laughter is one of life's best medicines; and in such circumstances of a broken relationship, it could be a great therapeutic tool for easing out tension. Take some time to engage in activities that make you laugh. Preferably, watch movies or videos that you find funny. Some of such videos could be found on social media; especially YouTube. 
 Taking up the recommended step may not necessarily provide a one stop to the emotional pain; but gradually; the body begins to see the brighter side of life; and with time you are positioned and empowered to move on with life, without such emotional entanglement having a permanent hold on you.

b.   Break Communication with your Ex.

One of the most important steps to moving past your breakup is cutting off all communication with your ex. Do not call, text, whatsapp or email the person. There is this statement that almost all the time follows break-ups; “we have broken up, but we can still be friends.” The question is what kind of friendship do such people refer to? In fact in the healing process, one may have to try as much as possible to cut out communication with the ex. Anything less than this may deepen the associated pain or hurt; and in so doing prolong the healing process. Some counsellors suggest that, one may give herself or himself a minimum of 90 days while he or she detaches emotionally from the person involved.

Breaking communication may also include removing anything that may easily remind you of the ex, such as pictures (in your phone gallery or on your album) or material gifts such as teddy bears, rings, watches etc. Removing them does not necessarily denote destroying them. However, where “ungodly” gifts such as under-wears or other sexually explicit materials are involved (such are allowed only in marital relationships), such should be destroyed out rightly. 

c.   Give yourself time to heal.

“The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost.” (Lindsey)

The healing process will take some time, but it will surely happen. In view of this be patient with yourself, and don’t blame yourself too much. Some people heal faster than others; and here ones temperament can play a key role here. Again, some people’s emotions go deeper than others; and this is mostly depended on how disciplined both were in the relationship. The more physical the two were, the deeper the emotions. (Read my article on the effects of pre-marital sex) The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. This therefore suggests that, avoiding physical intimacy such as intercourse in a relationship should be one of the hallmarks of any pre-marital relationships.

d.   Avoid Bitterness

Don’t give any room for bitterness against your ex. This will be counter-productive. Such has never helped anyone emotionally; and can never help. It rather prolongs the healing process. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

Conclusion

As the need of any single person may be – seeking love and seeking to be loved; one should also seek to build the capacity for the hurts and pains associated with the path of expressing and securing true love.  Someone has said, “anytime you open yourself up to love, you risk getting a broken heart.” If this is the case, then it is important, we avoid rushing into relationships; and as much as possible always have our boundaries in place; avoiding physical intimacy and any unnecessary commitment. Remember to always learn from your past mistakes.

Author: Benedict Eghan (Ps) 

Click to get the part 1 of this Article

DEALING WITH BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS (PT. 1)

Dealing with a broken relationship can be one of the most difficult things one may ever have to deal with; and it is something no one wishes for. Fortunately or unfortunately, having to deal with a broken relationship; be it pre-marital or marital has become a reality as far as our love life is concerned. This article is limited to handling broken relationships in pre-marital relationships.

While some may consider a break-up in a pre-marital relationship as positive for them as a result of some happenings in the relationship which they consider as unhealthy, others consider it as a total emotional shutdown with the reason being that, they had committed their entire life to keep the relationship. The unfortunate aspect of this is that, in the attempt to deal with broken relationships, many have either found themselves in worse situations or have found themselves doing the unthinkable.

There is no doubt that broken relationships can significantly leave one hurt, and such hurts can result into complications such as emotional scars which when not well attended to can live with a victim for life. However there are proven steps when considered in their therapeutic sense can help deal with some of such implications associated with broken relationships where one considers himself/herself dumped, cheated or abused. This is to say that, though broken relationships can have significant impact on an individual, healing is also possible. This article suggests some meaningful steps for a healing process:

a.   Be real about the pain

It is important to note that, the ability to recognise or feel pain is one of the characteristics that render us humans.  Being real about the pains or the hurt you may be going through is never a sign of weakness as some may see it to be, but rather a means of expressing the fact that your emotional make-up has been tempered with. This is to say that, should the pain warrant the need to cry, go ahead and allow the tears to flow. This you may do it in your closet; or any safe environment. Allowing tears to flow in such instances is one of the body’s ways of getting rid of the pain and hurt.

Some people in the face of some societal views (such as men don’t cry) run away from their hurts when in contrary they should be embracing them. Some in running away from such hurts; unfortunately run into drinking and engaging in other vices that end up complicating issues. The truth is that, it is only when we feel our pain that we are able to honestly deal with it and move on. However in your grieving, try as much as possible to  devote less and less time each day to grieving. You'll eventually find yourself thinking about the breakup less often; and with time; you may get over it.

b.   The God factor – the Healer of broken heartedness

After you have been real to yourself, the next important step is to go before God with your broken heartedness. Jesus in His own commissioning statement quoted the prophetic word of Isaiah in Luke 4:18 (kjv), “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, ...He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted...”  In moments of difficulties it is important to know that there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter the situation we find ourselves. Being conscious about this truth is a critical step for your healing process; this is because, when we have that foundation of knowing that God loves us no matter the circumstances, we can have the strength to face rejections from others. This is what the Bible says in Jeremiah 31:3; “The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”  You may be rejected in a given relationship, but God never rejects His own. Knowing this is a great comfort in the midst of crisis. It is however important to note that, if in the relationship, you went beyond the boundaries by engaging in sexual related activities, you will have to repent and ask God for forgiveness, with the understanding and conviction that being physically intimate in a pre-marital relationship is a sin. Purity in pre-marital relationship is very key for the believer (1Corinthians 6:18-20). And remember to seek for His will and guidance in any future step. 

c.    Don’t overrun yourself physically – Take good care of yourself

In making sure that the incidence of a broken relationship does not take the best out of you, another important area to look at is the need to consciously take good care of yourself; and not allowing the incidence to take the best out of you. This may include routine exercises and eating well. You may also want to look at your fashion selection as a means to maintain your confidence. Many in such situations care very little about their looks or their public image; and when such continues or a long time can have negative physical impact on their bodies or public images. For them; anything goes; they say to themselves, what is it to lose again – is it worth it all – what did I really gain? Remember, it is never over; God still has a beautiful plan for you.

Click here to continue with pt 2 of this article: Dealing with Broken Relationships (Pt. 2)

Author: Benedict Eghan (Ps)