DEALING WITH BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS (PT. 2)

This is the continuation of the article on dealing with broken relationships in the area of premarital relationships. In the part 1 of this article we made mention of three important steps - being real about the pain associated with the break-up, looking up to God, the Healer of broken heartedness and taking Good Care of yourself. In this article we will continue with four other steps.

a.   Engage in things that will make you laugh

It is said that laughter is one of life's best medicines; and in such circumstances of a broken relationship, it could be a great therapeutic tool for easing out tension. Take some time to engage in activities that make you laugh. Preferably, watch movies or videos that you find funny. Some of such videos could be found on social media; especially YouTube. 
 Taking up the recommended step may not necessarily provide a one stop to the emotional pain; but gradually; the body begins to see the brighter side of life; and with time you are positioned and empowered to move on with life, without such emotional entanglement having a permanent hold on you.

b.   Break Communication with your Ex.

One of the most important steps to moving past your breakup is cutting off all communication with your ex. Do not call, text, whatsapp or email the person. There is this statement that almost all the time follows break-ups; “we have broken up, but we can still be friends.” The question is what kind of friendship do such people refer to? In fact in the healing process, one may have to try as much as possible to cut out communication with the ex. Anything less than this may deepen the associated pain or hurt; and in so doing prolong the healing process. Some counsellors suggest that, one may give herself or himself a minimum of 90 days while he or she detaches emotionally from the person involved.

Breaking communication may also include removing anything that may easily remind you of the ex, such as pictures (in your phone gallery or on your album) or material gifts such as teddy bears, rings, watches etc. Removing them does not necessarily denote destroying them. However, where “ungodly” gifts such as under-wears or other sexually explicit materials are involved (such are allowed only in marital relationships), such should be destroyed out rightly. 

c.   Give yourself time to heal.

“The best thing in the world for a broken heart is time. It’s going to hurt for a while and some days will be better than others, but you will eventually get over the person you lost.” (Lindsey)

The healing process will take some time, but it will surely happen. In view of this be patient with yourself, and don’t blame yourself too much. Some people heal faster than others; and here ones temperament can play a key role here. Again, some people’s emotions go deeper than others; and this is mostly depended on how disciplined both were in the relationship. The more physical the two were, the deeper the emotions. (Read my article on the effects of pre-marital sex) The deeper your emotions, the longer it will take to heal. This therefore suggests that, avoiding physical intimacy such as intercourse in a relationship should be one of the hallmarks of any pre-marital relationships.

d.   Avoid Bitterness

Don’t give any room for bitterness against your ex. This will be counter-productive. Such has never helped anyone emotionally; and can never help. It rather prolongs the healing process. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

Conclusion

As the need of any single person may be – seeking love and seeking to be loved; one should also seek to build the capacity for the hurts and pains associated with the path of expressing and securing true love.  Someone has said, “anytime you open yourself up to love, you risk getting a broken heart.” If this is the case, then it is important, we avoid rushing into relationships; and as much as possible always have our boundaries in place; avoiding physical intimacy and any unnecessary commitment. Remember to always learn from your past mistakes.

Author: Benedict Eghan (Ps) 

Click to get the part 1 of this Article

DEALING WITH BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS (PT. 1)

Dealing with a broken relationship can be one of the most difficult things one may ever have to deal with; and it is something no one wishes for. Fortunately or unfortunately, having to deal with a broken relationship; be it pre-marital or marital has become a reality as far as our love life is concerned. This article is limited to handling broken relationships in pre-marital relationships.

While some may consider a break-up in a pre-marital relationship as positive for them as a result of some happenings in the relationship which they consider as unhealthy, others consider it as a total emotional shutdown with the reason being that, they had committed their entire life to keep the relationship. The unfortunate aspect of this is that, in the attempt to deal with broken relationships, many have either found themselves in worse situations or have found themselves doing the unthinkable.

There is no doubt that broken relationships can significantly leave one hurt, and such hurts can result into complications such as emotional scars which when not well attended to can live with a victim for life. However there are proven steps when considered in their therapeutic sense can help deal with some of such implications associated with broken relationships where one considers himself/herself dumped, cheated or abused. This is to say that, though broken relationships can have significant impact on an individual, healing is also possible. This article suggests some meaningful steps for a healing process:

a.   Be real about the pain

It is important to note that, the ability to recognise or feel pain is one of the characteristics that render us humans.  Being real about the pains or the hurt you may be going through is never a sign of weakness as some may see it to be, but rather a means of expressing the fact that your emotional make-up has been tempered with. This is to say that, should the pain warrant the need to cry, go ahead and allow the tears to flow. This you may do it in your closet; or any safe environment. Allowing tears to flow in such instances is one of the body’s ways of getting rid of the pain and hurt.

Some people in the face of some societal views (such as men don’t cry) run away from their hurts when in contrary they should be embracing them. Some in running away from such hurts; unfortunately run into drinking and engaging in other vices that end up complicating issues. The truth is that, it is only when we feel our pain that we are able to honestly deal with it and move on. However in your grieving, try as much as possible to  devote less and less time each day to grieving. You'll eventually find yourself thinking about the breakup less often; and with time; you may get over it.

b.   The God factor – the Healer of broken heartedness

After you have been real to yourself, the next important step is to go before God with your broken heartedness. Jesus in His own commissioning statement quoted the prophetic word of Isaiah in Luke 4:18 (kjv), “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, ...He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted...”  In moments of difficulties it is important to know that there is someone who knows all about us and still loves us no matter the situation we find ourselves. Being conscious about this truth is a critical step for your healing process; this is because, when we have that foundation of knowing that God loves us no matter the circumstances, we can have the strength to face rejections from others. This is what the Bible says in Jeremiah 31:3; “The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee.”  You may be rejected in a given relationship, but God never rejects His own. Knowing this is a great comfort in the midst of crisis. It is however important to note that, if in the relationship, you went beyond the boundaries by engaging in sexual related activities, you will have to repent and ask God for forgiveness, with the understanding and conviction that being physically intimate in a pre-marital relationship is a sin. Purity in pre-marital relationship is very key for the believer (1Corinthians 6:18-20). And remember to seek for His will and guidance in any future step. 

c.    Don’t overrun yourself physically – Take good care of yourself

In making sure that the incidence of a broken relationship does not take the best out of you, another important area to look at is the need to consciously take good care of yourself; and not allowing the incidence to take the best out of you. This may include routine exercises and eating well. You may also want to look at your fashion selection as a means to maintain your confidence. Many in such situations care very little about their looks or their public image; and when such continues or a long time can have negative physical impact on their bodies or public images. For them; anything goes; they say to themselves, what is it to lose again – is it worth it all – what did I really gain? Remember, it is never over; God still has a beautiful plan for you.

Click here to continue with pt 2 of this article: Dealing with Broken Relationships (Pt. 2)

Author: Benedict Eghan (Ps)

Keep Going

The first time I used a canopy walkway was my days in the College as a student. It was a holiday and we had gone to an arboretum nearby to have some fun. Aside my excitement about the whole idea of using the walkway, the scenery itself was enough to make a lasting impression on my mind. I however ended up leaving the place not just with a lasting memory of the moment, but also a very vital lesson that would later shape my way of thinking and remain one of the guiding principles of my life.

In the middle of the 320-metre long walkway something happened. One way or the other, a lot of us had converged on it - a lot of people obviously more than what it could take. This put a lot of pressure on the walkway and caused it to move to and fro. The intensity of the pressure made it look like we were going to fall any time soon.

Looking down, I knew that a fall from a height of about 40 feet from the ground could only mean one thing. I stood there, stupefied just like several others. There was only one thing on my mind ; Go back!

Before I could move, another thought struck me. Why go back? Why not forward? There were a lot of people behind me and going back at the time seemed more difficult than even moving forward. The only way out of the situation was to keep going.

Keep going! That was the lesson.

It is true, sometimes in life, we are overwhelmed by circumstances that force us to look back and make us wish we could quit. It could be anything. From relationships to businesses, finances, dreams, aspirations, education, career and even the journey of life itself.

In the middle of it all, the storm can show its ugly face, threatening to destroy everything we have built over the years. Well, I have a message for you as you read this article, no matter the situation, never give up. Keep going.
As the popular quote by Winston Churchill says, “if you are going through hell, keep going"

Sometimes the only way out of the situation is through it. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. When the setbacks force you to look down, remember to keep your head up. When you feel like going back, just remember that there are a lot of people behind who are looking up to you.

Cry, fear, pray if you have to, but never give up. No matter what you are going through. Just keep going.

©Boateng Michel, October 2017

FRIENDSHIP PT.4 Characteristic Features of the People around Us – The Negative Influencers

We are in this article continuing with our series on friendship; focusing on the second category of friends which I call them the negative influencers.  I want to once again reiterate the point that, the people we meet in the path of life either contributes positively or negatively to our lives.

The story of Rehoboam in 2 Chronicles 10, presents to us a clear picture of this category of friends. After the death of his father Solomon, and his subsequent ascension to the throne as the king, the people of Israel approached Rehoboam to plead for a reduction in the workload put on them by his father. In return, the People pledged their unflinching support and loyalty for their new king.  

Rehoboam upon consulting the council of elders was advised to heed to the request of the people to lessen the burden on the people; but this he ignored. He rather went ahead and sought counsel from the young men he had grown up with. He was however ill-advised by these young men: a decision which consequently led to Israel’s rebellion against him.

Rehoboam was supposed to have been a king over the twelve tribes of Israel as was the case during the reign of his father, Solomon and his grandfather, David. Sadly enough, he ended up with only two out of the twelve due to this single incidence of negative influence of his friends in his life.

As was with Rehoboam, negative people are toxic to our lives and their influence can cost us greatly. As the name implies, these group of people influence lives negatively and take value out of your life. These are the ‘enticing people’ the Bible talks about in Proverbs 1:10. The 15-16 (NIV) says, “my son, do not go along with them, do not set foot on their paths; for their feet rush into sin…” Characteristics of these people include the following:

• They seek self-gratification i.e. they are selfish and seek their interest first above anyone else.  
• Their loyalty ends where their benefits stop. ( Proverbs 19:4,6,7)
• They seek worldly pleasure and ultimately draw you away from God. ( Proverbs 1: 10-16)
• They do not seem to have any aim in life and usually want to discourage you anytime you seek to improve yourself. As the late Dr Monroe would say, “these people who aren’t going anywhere usually want to take you along with them.”
• Their counsel leads to destruction e.g. as in the case of Rehoboam. 
• You have to put up ‘a certain’ kind of life in order to measure up to them
• They exhibit symptoms of deep-seated jealousy. They pretend to celebrate with when in actual fact they wish they had what you had or were in your position.
• They stab you at the back. They often gossip about you to other friends.

It is important to avoid these people as they distract you from your goals in life and they are capable of derailing you from achieving the purpose of God for your life. In as much as the Christian youth is the light of the  world and is meant to be a good influence to such people, however, he or she must be circumspect in dealing with such people in order not to be rather influenced by them as the scripture warns us in 1 Corinthians 10:12. “So, if you think that you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.”

To sum it all up, let us consider this verse in 1 Corinthians 15:33, “do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good morals””

Written by: Michael Boateng

 

FRIENDSHIP PT.3 Characteristic Features of the People around Us

 

We are continuing with our series on friendship. And in this article which represents the third of our series, we want to delve into one of the characteristic features of the people around us so as to be informed in our choice of friendship. It is important to note that, the people we meet in the path of life either contributes positively or negatively to our lives

Characteristic Feature 1: The Value Adding People

These are the group of people who consciously add value to your life. The Bible talks about them in Ecclesiastes 4:10; they lift you up when you are down. Characteristics of this group include the following:

• They build you up with wise counsel and biblical values. The scripture compares their counsel to perfume and incense (Prov. 27:9)
• They intercede for you. (Job 16:20, Dan. 2:11-19)
• Their presence in your life brings much joy and sanity. Friends stay with you in times of trouble but good friends keep you out of trouble
• They are faithful friends and they love at all times (Prov. 17:17)
• They support you at all times. In times of adversity, they comfort you. (Job 2:11) As the cliché says, “best friends make the good times better and the hard times easier.”
• They bring you closer to God and sharpen your faith (Prov. 27:17
• They support you in your dreams and aspirations and genuinely celebrate with you in your achievements.
• They bring out the best in you. They encourage you in self, social, financial and spiritual development among several others
• Simply put, these people make your life better.

These friends are gifts from God, and when found they must be closely held on to. In Ruth 1:16-17, we find Ruth telling Naomi, “…don’t urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die and, there I will be buried…” (NIV). Ruth, who had been widowed at a younger age finally found a good husband through her devotion and obedience to the counsel of her best friend whom she found in her mother-in-law, Naomi.

A similar level of faithfulness is also seen in 2 kings, when Elisha stayed glued to Elijah until he was taken up to heaven. In verse 6, he told his ‘master-friend’, “as surely as the Lord lives and as you live, I will not live you” (NIV). True to his words, he stayed with his master to the end and received a double portion of his anointing as a result. After that day, with Elijah, his life never remained the same.    

Good friends do not only edify us, they make our lives beautiful.  

Read other characteristic features in our next series.

Written By: Michael Aboagye